Sunday, February 18, 2018

Mulligans for Trump

     Tony Perkins, the leader of the evangelical organization Family Research Council, said that Donald Trump gets a “mulligan” regarding his affair with the porn star Stormy Daniels. What Mr. Perkins didn’t say was what additional excuses he and other evangelicals will have to come up with for other moral infractions by President Trump. Excuses like:
Do-over
      Evangelicals tend not to look kindly on divorce. For the thrice-married Trump, this should be a problem. However, with the implementation of the new marital “do-over”, he should be off the hook, at least for now.
Comb-over
     Last time I checked, vanity was a Christian sin and Donald Trump’s magical hair is nothing, if not vain. But all is forgiven with the granting of one or more “comb-overs.”
Re-do
     Like the “do-over”, a “re-do” will grant Trump forgiveness for his cursing, swearing and intemperate use of language. This will allow him to overcome his use of everything from the “f”-word to “s**thole.”
Mulroney
     “Mulroney” is not just the name of one of Canada’s most despised prime ministers. It’s also a synonym for “mulligan.” So if evangelical Christians worry about overusing “mulligan” for Trump’s past or future sexual indiscretions, they can always use “Mulroney” in its place.
Dubligan
     You’ve made two failed golf shots in a row? Then the second one is called a “dubligan.” This might be handy for those instances where Mr. Trump grabbed some woman by the “pussy” or otherwise sexually assaulted her.
Sullivan
     A “Sullivan” is a “mulligan” in an academic or financial context. For Mr. Trump, that means a corporate do-over in the form of a bankruptcy. This term can be used as often as required as in “We grant Mr. Trump a ‘Sullivan’ on his latest corporate bankruptcy.”
Billigan
     Named after Bill Clinton for his huge number of forgiven blown golf shots, “Billigan” might easily apply to Donald Trump’s never-ending series of lies. Although Christians don’t usually countenance lying, perhaps they could let them slide if they are actually “Donigans.”
Ott
     “Ott” (or “over the top”) is forgiveness for repeated exaggeration. When Trump claims his Inaugural crowd was the biggest ever or that he is the smartest person he knows or that he’s the least racist, evangelicals can overlook his transgressions by granting him one or more “otts.”
Putin
     Whether it’s collusion with Russia or some questionable financial dealing verging on fraud or money laundering, evangelicals will need something to give Mr. Trump continued passes. When the talk in Washington turns to impeachment, they can just grant him a “Putin” or two.
WWJD

     Finally, there’s the ultimate sin-cleansing device: WWJD or “What would Jesus do?” No matter how bad the sin or how nasty the sinner, all he needs to do is repent and everything will be forgiven. When Trump hits his moral nadir, so long as he asks for forgiveness, he can be granted a “WWJD”, otherwise known as a “St. Augustine.”

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Free preview of "Donnie's First Year"

My new humor collection is now available on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca. Click on the link to get a free preview of "Donnie's First Year."


Friday, February 09, 2018

Brian's Political Toolkit

     First we had Pierre Trudeau’s kid Justin becoming the leader of the federal Liberals and now we have Brian Mulroney’s daughter Caroline aiming to head up the Ontario provincial Tories. Luckily for her, her old man is still around to share his wealth of political expertise:
My dearest Caroline,
     You’ve warmed the cockles of this old Irishman’s heart by deciding to take up the family business. It’s not that I’m disappointed or embarrassed by Ben’s TV antics but, let’s face it, you can’t get rich hosting an entertainment show.
     Anyway, darling daughter, I’m thrilled that I’m still kicking so that you can benefit from my years of experience. To that end, here are just a few pearls of wisdom that I’m passing on to you:
*     Avoid keeping envelopes of cash lying around. Of course there’s nothing wrong with owning cash but, if you choose to do so, make sure it’s not traceable. If you do goof up, it’s been my experience that if you declare half of it to the CRA, that should suffice.
*     If you end up needing a plane for the campaign trail, I strongly recommend that you not rent an Airbus. They’re perfectly good planes but, take it from me, it wouldn’t be wise to associate the name Mulroney with Airbus.
*     Don’t touch the sales tax; it’s the third rail of Canadian politics. Just to be safe, stay away from anything ending in “ST” unless you’re just switching your clocks back to standard time.
*     Here’s a little tip if you do happen to become Tory leader and then premier of Ontario. Hopefully you win two majorities like your sainted father but if after that you see a disaster looming on the horizon, bail out sooner rather than later. Then you can retire as a great success and hang the inevitable subsequent defeat on your successor. You could give Kim Campbell a call for more details but don’t be surprised if she hangs up.
*     Whenever you get a chance to sing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” for a U. S. president, go for it even if it’s Donald Trump. Embarrassing as it might be, it’s always a good idea to have one of those guys in your back pocket.
*     If you become provincial leader, make sure the party pays you a little something extra every year for your service. Again, envelopes of cash are perfectly acceptable so long as you don’t broadcast it to every Tom, Dick and Karlheinz. On the other hand, you might prefer that your supporters anonymously donate cheques to a bank account for your use only.
*     Avoid ostentatious quasi-royalty-style living; the voters don’t seem to care for it. Don’t tell your mother but she could serve as your role model for what not to do.
*     If someone says “constitutional reform”, run for the hills. Much as I wanted to put the screws to old Trudeau, I wouldn’t touch that dossier again for an entire pile of cash-filled envelopes.
*     Be careful about unplanned witticisms. I’m not saying that “there’s no whore like an old whore” didn’t fit Bryce Mackasey to a T but, given the subsequent irony, I wish I hadn’t said it.

Love,
Brian a.k.a. Dad

P. S. – I’ve attached a brown envelope with a little something for your campaign. Don’t thank me; thank Uncle Wafid.

Wednesday, February 07, 2018

Canada's Olympic Senators

     Here’s a handy reminder to you men out there. February 14th is Valentine’s Day and you better make plans now to celebrate with your significant other in order to maintain domestic harmony.
     What you might not have known, however, is that February 14th also marks the beginning of the preliminary round of the men’s hockey competition at this year’s Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.
     Now if you’re like me, you’ve already written off Olympic hockey thanks to the National Hockey League’s decision to boycott the tournament. Instead of enjoying the best of the best competing against one another, we’re left to watch a bunch of youngsters and former NHL players face off in what will undoubtedly be, at best, a second-rate competition.
     It’s hard to get excited when the likes of Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid, Eric Karlsson, Patrick Kane and Carey Price will be nowhere near South Korea come mid-February. Instead, we’ll be looking at such “superstars” as Derek Roy, Ben Scrivens, Brian Gionta and Jordan Greenway. Not exactly household names in the world of hockey fandom.
     What’s a hockey fan to do? Well, if you’re a follower of most NHL teams, you’ve either got a team headed to the Stanley Cup playoffs or one that still has an outside chance of making it. So you likely won’t be distracted by the third-rate hockey that will play out at the Olympics.
     Now that’s fine for most of you but it’s of little consolation for us Senators fans here in Ottawa. Our team’s chances of making the playoffs are slim to none. From what I can see, we’re left with a wintertime Sophie’s choice: follow a failing team that’s out of the playoff race or watch an Olympic hockey tournament reminiscent of the amateurs-only competitions of years gone by.
     I think I have a solution to this sad dilemma, a solution that could spark the interest of Senators fans while at the same time burnish the somewhat tarnished reputation of team owner Eugene Melnyk.
     I’m urging Mr. Melnyk to effectively throw in the towel for this season and free the Senators Canadian players to join their national team over in PyeongChang. That would mean forwards like Matt Duchene, Mark Stone, Mike Hoffman, Jean-Gabriel Pageau, Alex Burrows and Zack Smith would be available to play for Canada. It would also free up defensemen like Cody Ceci, Mark Borowiecki, Thomas Chabot and Dion Phaneuf.
     With a lineup like that, Canada’s Olympic team would instantly become the clear favorite to take the gold medal in South Korea. And Ottawa would be transformed from a city having nothing to look forward to beyond a last-place finish to increase the team’s odds for next year’s draft to one filled with revitalized fans looking for Olympic gold.
     There is, of course, the issue of lost revenue. By my calculation, however, the Senators would only miss two home games. To make up any shortfall, perhaps Team Canada’s games could be shown on the big screens at the Canadian Tire Centre and we could pay admission to help out Mr. Melnyk.
     As for any road games during the Olympics, Ottawa would simply concede and give up the two points that they were likely going to lose anyway. If the NHL decides to be a stickler about this, maybe we could just replace the team with the Belleville Senators farm team for the interim.
     Time’s a wasting, Mr. Melnynk, so I suggest you get on this right away. We may have no chance at the Stanley Cup this year but Olympic gold is ours for the taking.  

Friday, February 02, 2018

Word of the Year


 
     Last December marked not only the end of the calendar year but also the beginning of the Word of the Year season. For example, the Oxford English Dictionary folks chose “youthquake” as their Word of the Year for 2017 and Mirriam-Webster selected “feminism.”
     Compared to previous years, the 2017 selections were pretty dull and unexciting. Nothing fun like past winners “truthiness”, “fake news” and “mansplain.”
     Maybe it’s time some of us stepped up to the linguistic plate, mixed a few metaphors and coined some interesting neologisms to ensure that, by next December, we’ll have some truly exciting candidates for 2018’s Word of the Year.
     In that vein, I offer the following creations:
turkeyfication
     Turkeyfication is the act of undermining and dumbing down governmental procedures and structures. It essentially turns an efficient, high-flying creature into a stupid, flightless bird. As in, Donald Trump has engaged in the turkeyfication of the federal government.
trollents
     In our modern digital age, many online publications provide their readers the opportunity to comment on columns and opinion pieces. Sometimes those comments are well thought out and instructive. Sadly, they are often ignorant ad hominem attacks written by the digital equivalent of the nasty troll living under the bridge. Hence the word trollents as in, he had nothing useful to add to the conversation so he simply slammed the author with a couple of trollents.
breitbart
     From the website of the same name, breitbart is a verb meaning to racialize, cuckify or otherwise demonize liberals, progressives or members of the establishment. As in, James breitbarted his opponent by repeatedly calling him a snowflake. See also “bannoned.”
celebrify
     The act of transforming the political system into one dominated by celebrities rather than those skilled in the political arts. Most recently evidenced by the speculation of a 2020 faceoff between Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey. Example in use: “Homer Simpson’s entry into the race represents the nadir of the celebrification of Washington.”
coniker
     A mash-up of “con” and “moniker” gives us “coniker” which means a nasty nickname created to demean or belittle someone. Although conikers have been around for centuries (think Julius the Jerk or Stupid Socrates), Donald Trump is the acknowledged current master with negative gems like Low-energy Jeb, Crooked Hillary and Sloppy Steve.
statumcide
     If you kill your mother, that’s matricide. Murder a man? That’s homicide. So what do you call it when someone deliberately tries to end the life of an entire nation state? How about statumcide? “Given the antidemocratic and regressive actions of President Trump, he may be guilty of statumcide.”  See also “countrycide.”
aieio
     2018’s new acronym is pronounced “aye-eh-o.” It’s derived from the statement “artificial intelligence expedites inhuman order” and signifies the end of the reign of homo sapiens and the ultimate victory of the robots. It can even be pronounced letter by letter which echoes the children’s song “Old Macdonald Had a Farm” which pretty soon will have no human beings and no Mr. Macdonald. 

Saturday, January 27, 2018

The Art of the Lie

Here's an excerpt from my new book Donnie's First Year now available on Amazon.ca:
     Donald Trump is known for a number of books including The Art of the Deal and Trump: The Art of the Comeback. I’m offering my services as a ghostwriter for his next volume: The Art of the Lie:
Believe in your own lies
     This is perhaps the most important rule in The Art of the Lie. After all, how are you going to get others to believe your fictions if you don’t believe them yourself? Even if you think what you’re saying might be a lie, convince yourself otherwise by telling yourself that even if it’s not true, it sure sounds true, feels true and should be true.
Never retract, never apologize
     No matter how many people accuse you of lying and no matter the weight of the evidence against you, don’t admit that you lied. First-time liars often make the rookie mistake of conceding that their statement was false and then apologizing. Even if you happen to get caught in a lie, never retract but, if you foolishly do, never, ever apologize.
Double down and repeat
     This seems counterintuitive but it’s a sure-fire winner. Even when your lie is a fantastic whopper (e.g. – huge Inauguration crowd), you’ll be surprised at how well it works when you expand on it (e.g. – biggest Inauguration crowd ever) and then repeat it over and over. Much to your surprise, folks will then either believe it or just give up in frustration.
The “Big Lie” is the best
      It was Adolph Hitler or Joseph Goebbels who created this one. Basically, you come up with a lie that plays to people’s prejudices and is so outrageous that they want to believe it. You don’t have to be a fan of neo-Nazis to recognize that some of those old-tyme Nazis knew what they were talking about.
Keep your opponents off balance
     Sometimes you’ll find yourself under attack from all sides and it looks like your lie will fail. That’s the time to start asserting the exact opposite and then stand by both contradictory statements. Your adversaries will be so confused they’ll probably just throw in the towel.
I’m rubber, you’re glue
     Attack the attacker. When your opponent tries to undermine your lie with a surfeit of facts, start making false accusations about them. A perfect example is to call the media “fake news.” Name-calling like that forces them to spend all their time denying it.
Threaten lawsuits
     Threaten lawsuits against those challenging your lies. Nobody likes to be sued and most people can’t afford a good lawyer. Usually there’s no need to actually pursue such suits. The mere threat of legal action will generally make most truth-obsessed folks back off.
Exaggeration = glorification
     You’re not just smart; you’re the smartest. You’re not just rich; you’re the richest. If you’re going to lie, there’s no reason to hold back. Just remember, lie big or go home.
Keep adding to your list of lies
     Don’t be a wimp. Just because you’ve lied every day for the last thousand days, don’t stop lying just because you feel you’ve overdone it. The more lies the merrier. Critics will eventually tire of trying to keep track of all your falsehoods and will often concede defeat.
Employ surrogates
     If you can afford to, hire a bunch of flunkies to repeat and spread your lies. The more times people hear your lies coming from the mouths of different people, the more likely they’re going to believe them. And don’t worry if your stand-in gives up and quits; there are always more toadies ready to carry the can for you.
Don’t fear the oath
     There may come a time when you have to testify about your lies under oath. So what? It’s just an oath. Keep lying unless it looks like there’s a chance you’ll be charged with perjury. At that point, don’t forget to “take the Fifth.” 

Sunday, January 21, 2018

No Fat Chicks

    Although Donald Trump was publicly dismissive of a presidential run by Oprah Winfrey, the following leaked memo suggests he may be taking such a possibility far more seriously than he lets on:
MEMORANDUM

TO:        President Donald Trump

FROM:  Campaign 2020
     Further to your recent request, we have investigated the possibility of an Oprah Winfrey candidacy in 2020 and have developed a comprehensive strategy to defeat her should she win the Democratic nomination.
     First of all, she is clearly unqualified to be president. As you well know, the fact that she is a billionaire businesswoman, a successful TV personality and a marketing wizard when it comes to exploiting her own name count for nothing when it comes to running the nation.
     Being president requires actual experience doing presidential things and, by our count, you have a full year under your belt doing just that. Even discounting your TV viewing and golf outings, you still have at least several months of presidential experience and she has none, zip, nada. Advantage: Team Trump.
     Our research has revealed that Ms. Winfrey reads an enormous amount and could easily be attacked as a “book lover” and possibly an “intellectual.” Apparently she even had a book club on her TV show. Although you have “written” several books, you have never been accused of reading books. Score one for us.
     Although it’s a bit of a long shot, we think that you should consider your old “Obama strategy” when it comes to Oprah. In short, she does not qualify to be president because she wasn’t born in the United States. After all, she was born in Mississippi and our research shows that Mississippi wasn’t even part of the U. S. from 1861 to 1865. Under the newly created legal doctrine status illegitimus or illegitimate state, no Mississippian qualifies as a natural born citizen.
     Ms. Winfrey will undoubtedly tout her success as a television talk show host but clearly she cannot match your success with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. Plus, unlike you, she has to answer for creating both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz whereas you’re only responsible for Omarosa.
     If it should ever come to a debate between you and Oprah, you will win hands down, regardless of the respective size of your hands. She is a Chicago gal, Chicago being the second city. You, on the other hand, are from the great city of New York. Even if you couldn’t make it there, you did make it anywhere, namely Washington, D. C.
     Your name prominently appears on countless buildings including the iconic Trump Tower as well as a multitude of championship golf courses. We have yet to locate one building or country club named for Oprah.
     If we have to play dirty, you’ve got a huge edge on her. Contrast your sterling reputation with her lengthy record of scandal including James Frey’s book, the hamburger panic and palling around with Harvey Weinstein.
     Finally, don’t forget your political genius and, in particular, your uncanny knack for creating devastating nicknames. We’ll leave it to you, sir, to come up with another classic zinger but might we suggest one of the following: Black Rosie, Obama Pal, “O”Yeah?, No Fat Chicks and Oprah Winfrey? More like Oprah Losefrey!
    We look forward to the presidential race in 2020 and await your further instructions. Please confirm whether or not you wish us to continue our investigations into Mark Cuban, The Rock and Homer Simpson as your possible next opponent.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Sunday, January 14, 2018

My New Book: "Donnie's First Year"

What do you do when you've got a year's worth of satirical pieces about Donald Trump? In my case, you put them in a book called "Donnie's First Year." It's now available on Amazon.com as a paperback and for your Kindle. It's also available on Amazon.ca. Check out the "Look inside" feature to view the first few pieces:  "Donnie's First Year"

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Seven Words

        Last December, in order not to annoy the White House, the budget staff at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly banned the use of the following seven words: “vulnerable”, “entitlement”, “diversity”, “transgender”, “fetus”, “science-based” and “evidence-based.” Not exactly George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” but troubling nonetheless. What hasn’t yet been revealed are the additional word excisions planned by other federal departments and agencies so as not to run afoul of the Trump administration. Thankfully, the usual unreliable sources have leaked them to us.
The Internal Revenue Service
     With Donald Trump’s “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017” now the law, this agency will be facing a difficult task in tracking down tax cheats. That job will be even harder once the IRS is prohibited from using the following seven words: “rich”, “audit”, “billionaire”, “unfair”, “evasion”, “offshore” and “capital gain.”
The Environmental Protection Agency
     Already hampered by budget cuts and rescinded regulations, the EPA will now have to try to do its job without using the following seven words: “climate”, “warming”, “solar”, “wind”, “geothermal”, “polluters” and “pollution.”
The Justice Department
     Times are tough at the Justice Department as President Trump seeks to limit certain investigations. However, it looks like they might get even tougher once these seven words are cut from the department’s vocabulary: “Russia”, “collusion”, “Mueller”, “recuse”, “subpoenas”, “impeach” and “unconstitutional.”
The U. S. Department of Education
     It’s bad enough that this department has been saddled by the woefully unprepared Betsy DeVos as its secretary. Now it will have to try to do its job without the use of these seven words: “growth”, “proficiency”, “testing”, “public”, “grants”, “loans” and “funding.”     
The Census Bureau
     Things were already not looking good for the nation’s statisticians ever since President Trump appointed the supremely unqualified Thomas Brunell as their new deputy director. And they will likely get even worse once the following seven words are banned: “nonpartisan”, “elections”, “fair”, “voting-rights”, “gerrymandering”, “minorities” and “underrepresentation.”
The Department of the Interior
     It’s one thing to put up with Secretary Ryan Zinke’s special flag flown at Interior’s headquarters when he’s in town. It’s another to have to worry about your job as Zinke cuts the department’s workforce to the bone. And now those folks will also have their storehouse of words reduced by these seven: “parkland”, “environment”, “endangered”, “Superfund”, “hazardous”, “clean-up” and “wildlife.”
The Department of State
     Morale is reportedly at an all-time low in this department thanks in part to its current head, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. His attempted overhaul of the State Department has driven out veteran diplomats and left the place in tatters. The days ahead won’t be any easier after the guardians of Trumpspeak have put the kibosh on these seven words: “multicultural”, “diplomacy”, “multilateralism”, “negotiated”, “humanitarian”, “NATO” and “UN.”