Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The National Automobile Rights Association

PRESS RELEASE
  We here at the National Automobile Rights Association condemn in the strongest possible terms the heinous actions of one disturbed individual in Charlottesville, Virginia who used his vehicle in the most irresponsible manner to cause death and mayhem. This incident is just the latest in a series of tragedies in which foreign and domestic terrorists have used vehicles as weapons to wreak havoc on an innocent population.
     While we are saddened by the latest tragedy, we must speak out against those dangerous voices who use such events as an excuse to call for more automobile regulation. Already we are hearing the calls from liberals, militant cyclists and mass transit advocates to ban cars altogether.
     For years, we here at the NARA have been advocating for fewer regulations on our nation’s roads and highways. It has often been a losing battle but we will not stop in our efforts to protect our citizens’ driving rights and freedoms and to roll back the decades of restrictive rules and regulations. After all, as we often say: “Cars don’t kill people; drivers kill people.”
     This nation has long suffered at the hands of small-minded bureaucrats who have added one regulation after another until our individual driving freedom has been almost totally suffocated. We say that enough is enough; it’s time to fight back, repeal all restrictive licensing and driving rules and regulations and liberate America’s drivers.
     It is time to eliminate the requirement to classify your vehicle by weight and class and to obtain a registration within that class. Given the excessive fees, this constitutes nothing more than taxation without representation.
     It is also time to get rid of the requirement to obtain a driver’s license. There should be no limitations by age or experience. Leave it to individuals and parents to decide when and where someone can drive. Keep the nanny state out of America’s carports and garages.
      Halt the efforts of leftwing do-gooders and repeal requirements for mechanical upkeep, safety inspections and emissions testing. We must also liberate our nation from the tyranny of parking meters, opposite street parking and parking tickets. The Founding Fathers had no such limitations and clearly did not intend that we have them either.
     Furthermore, let’s put a stop to the myriad of highway traffic laws that limit the right to drive to such an extent that it’s hardly a right anymore. Such silly and excessive restrictions as traffic signs and lights, driving at required speeds and driving on the right do nothing more than drain the joy and freedom from driving.
     If we could do away with government interference in the ownership and operation of motor vehicles, we could save billions of dollars annually and decrease incidents of terrorist vehicular homicide. If everyone had unrestrained use of a car, there would be far fewer successful attacks since when someone started racing towards a crowd, there would likely be a driver nearby who could ram the offending vehicle and thereby save countless lives.
     The National Automobile Rights Association will continue to fight against further restraints and limits on our driving freedoms but it is a daunting task. To aid us in our battle, we ask for your support in passing a new Constitutional Amendment to read as follows:
          “A well travelled road and highway system being necessary for free movement
          within and between the States, the right of the People to own and drive cars
          shall not be infringed.”

Give what you can and remember our guiding words: "You can have my vehicle when 

you pry the steering wheel from my cold, dead hands."

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Golfing With The Donald

     Donald Trump is off on a 17-day vacation at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course. It’s no surprise that the President’s favorite thing to do is to go golfing, especially on one of the many courses he owns. Thus, in order to get a better insight into the man, it might be useful to survey his views of some of his preferred links:
Trump National Golf Club, Washington, D.C.  
     “This is one of my favorite courses to play particularly since it’s so close to the White House and I can easily sneak away from those boring Cabinet meetings and fit in a quick nine. The course features beautiful views of the Potomac River and includes some very challenging holes. In particular, I have a hard time with No. 5, a 492-yard par 4. It’s not the length of the hole that troubles me; rather, it’s the nasty dogleg to the left. No matter what I do, I always seem to fade to the right.”
Trump International Golf Links, Aberdeen, Scotland
     “Everyone says this is the most fabulous golf course in Scotland. Well, almost everyone except for those nasty locals who tried to halt construction of this Trump masterpiece. Luckily, the amazing dunes and berms found throughout the course block the player’s view of these backwards yokels and ensure that your round is not spoiled by these crazy Scots. I call it my own personal Hadrian’s Wall. On the other hand, many of the holes have fantastic views of the coastline which are restricted to those like you and me who can afford the $300 greens fee.”
Trump National Golf Club, Mar-a-Lago, Florida
     “Although not the best course in my collection, I recently developed a soft spot in my heart for this layout mostly because I can fly there whenever I want and I don’t have to pay a cent. It’s all on the government’s dime, can you believe it? And the best part is I’ve got a whole contingent of Secret Service guys to track down any lost balls. Plus, they’re sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything when I shave the odd stroke or two from my score.”
Trump National, Los Angeles, California
     “I like this course a lot but I don’t visit very often because California is filled with millions of left wing losers and I don’t care to spend time with any of them. Still, it’s a nice course and I wish I could play it more often. Maybe when Congress finally passes the new healthcare legislation and I sign it into law, I can spend more time there since there will be fewer losers around to bother me. Plus, I do like meeting Hollywood celebrities because they fawn over me and let me grab them by the whatever.”
Trumpskaya International, St. Petersburg, Russia
     “Actually, if I’m being completely honest (which, of course, I always am), this one doesn’t exist yet; it’s still in the planning stages. My good friend Vladimir Putin gave me the go ahead last year but Jeff Sessions says it’s probably a good idea to hold off on starting construction until after all this silly Russia investigation nonsense goes away. I hope it happens real soon because I can’t wait to play it. Vlad says it’s going to be just like that one in Pyongyang, North Korea where Kim Jong Il scored a 38-under par on his first round ever with five holes-in-one but I’m sure I can do even better.”

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

West Wing Story: The Musical

    For some reason, the media seem to be obsessed with all of the recent changes to the current White House team. Sean Spicer and Reince Preibus are out and Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Anthony Scaramucci are in. And now Scaramucci is out and General Kelly is in.
     What reporters and commentators don’t seem to realize is that any large-scale musical production will see frequent changes in cast members over the life of the show. And the current smash hit playing at the White House is no exception.
     West Wing Story is the tale of a star-crossed self-lover named Donald Trump and his ultimately unsuccessful and tragic attempt to marry his one true love: himself.
     The musical begins with a threatened showdown between two Washington, D. C. gangs: the Donkeys and the Pachyderms. The Pachyderms are in disarray and looking to boost their chances by enlisting Donald and changing their name to the Trumps.
     When you’re a Trump,
     You’re a Trump all the way
     From your first outright lie
     To your last lyin’ day.

     When you’re a Trump,
     If the stuff hits the fan,
     You got kids all around,
     You’re a family man.

     You’re never alone,
     Your loyalty’s expected.
     Except if you fail
     Then you’ll be disconnected.
     You won’t be protected.

     All seems well until Donald falls in love with himself and threatens to violate the truce between the Donkeys and the Pachyderms and bring the whole gang structure tumbling down. Donald sings:
     The Donald…
     The most fantastic sound I ever heard:
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word….
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     The Donald!
     I’ve just met a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly that name
     Will never be the same
     To me.
     The Donald!
     I’ve just seen a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly I’ve found
     How wonderful a sound
     Can be!
     The Donald!
     Say it loud and there’s lots of spinning,
     Say it louder and there’s plenty of winning.

     The Donald!
     I’ll never stop loving The Donald!

     The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
     The Donald.

     Meanwhile, the Donkeys struggle to recover from The Donald’s victory and regain the ethnic votes they recently lost:
     I like to be in America!
     OK by me in America!
     Healthcare be free in America
     No insurance fee in America!

     Immigrants can in America!
     Tax-the-rich plan in America!
     Bernie still ran in America!
     No Muslim ban in America!

     But the Donkeys are no match for the self-adoring Donald who, despite breaking all the rules, still appeals to vast swaths of the electorate:
     I feel pretty,
     Oh, so pretty,
     I feel pretty and witty and in style!
     And I pity
     Any guy who hasn’t got my guile.

     I feel brilliant
     Oh, so brilliant,
     It’s resilient how brilliant I feel!
     And so pretty
     That I can’t believe I’m such a big deal.

     See the handsome guy in that mirror there:
     Who can that fantastic guy be?
     Such a handsome face,
     Such a handsome suit,
     Such a handsome weave,
     Such a handsome me!

     I like running
     And winning,
     Feel like lying and speaking profane.
     For it’s all to
     Make America great again.

     In a tragic twist, however, Donald’s own outlandish self-regard destroys his standing within the ranks of the Pachyderms and he ultimately falls from grace but not before one last plaintive plea:
     There’s a place for me,
     Somewhere a place for me.
     Pomp and power and love so rare 
     Wait for me
     Somewhere.

     There’s a crown for me,
     Somehow a king to be.
     Gilded scepter and golden throne,
     Time to rule, just me alone
     Some day!

     There’s a place for me,
     A place in history.
     If for once I could shut my mouth
     Decrease my ceaseless tweeting enough.
     Somehow,
     Some day,
     Somewhere! 

Friday, August 04, 2017

The Big Book Of Alternative Facts


     We here at TrumpConway Press are proud to announce our summer lineup of new books including The Big Book of Alternative Facts which is already receiving rave reviews (“Finally, a reliable, all-purpose reference source.” – S. Bannon, “It’s where I always go to get the real truth.” – S. Spicer).

     Here are a few excerpts from what is destined to be a modern classic in the field of reference works:
Science and Technology
page 36:  The earth is, in fact, flat. It is a disc-shaped planet around which the sun revolves.
page 41:  The “A” battery is a small battery slightly larger than the “AA” battery but which has unlimited power. It was suppressed by battery manufacturers to protect their profits.
page 45:  Climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese and by many embarrassed dinosaurs who actually perished from overeating.
page 52:  Evolution is nothing more than a specious theory. After all, America didn’t evolve into something great just by itself.
page 54:  The moon is not made of green cheese; it’s made of yellow cheese, probably a well-aged cheddar.
page 57:  Donald Trump invented Twitter in 2005 and gave it to Jack Dorsey to help him out.
page 59:  Although not yet publicly released, Sony has developed a microwave with a remotely-operated camera.    
Politics
page 62:  Barack Obama was born in Kenya and a picture of his real birth certificate can be found at BreitbartNews.com.
page 63:  Donald Trump’s election victory was the greatest of all time.
page 66:  Half of all votes cast in the 2016 presidential election in California were fraudulent.
page 76:  Chuck Schumer was born in Latvia in 1950 and has been a Russian spy for more than fifty years.
History
page 88:  9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by Hillary Clinton.
page 91:  JFK was assassinated by aliens rescued from the spaceship that crashed near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
page 92:  New York City, once known as New Amsterdam, was originally settled by a Dutchman named Donald Von Drumpf. His great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Donald Trump therefore has ownership of the entire island of Manhattan.
page 97:  The first manned powered flight was by Harold V. Trump in 1901, two years before the Wright Brothers.
page 100:  One of the worst terrorist incidents of the 21st century took place in Bowling Green, Sweden.
Entertainment
page 111:  Rosie O’Donnell is a no-talent hermaphrodite and not a very nice person.
page 121:  The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice were two of the most fantastic shows on television.
page 123:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is, and always has been, a bum. 


Friday, July 28, 2017

How To Tell If You're A Trump Supporter


 
 For most folks, it’s easy to tell whether they’re a supporter of Donald Trump. After all, 86 percent of Republicans approve of the President’s performance so far. But for those who aren’t Republican and are unsure of where they stand, here’s a little test. If you agree with one or more of the following statements, you’re probably a Trump supporter:
I get all my news from Facebook.
Why isn’t there an International Men’s Day?
All lives matter and/or Blue lives matter.
Who’s to say climate change is real?
Barack Obama was born in Africa.
What’s wrong with using “colored people”? It’s right in the NAACP’s name.
Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.
Donald Trump’s Muslim ban is not a Muslim ban.
9/11 was an inside job.
Some of my best friends are Jews.
Barack Obama is a Muslim.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, I feel like what Donald Trump says is true.
America: Love it or leave it.
I really like Kellyanne Conway.
God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.
I’m not saying Rush Limbaugh is right but I’m not saying he’s wrong either.
Slaves in the American South weren’t that bad off.
FOX News really is fair and balanced.
Barack Obama is an Arab from Pakistan.
America is a Christian nation.
I have a black friend at work.
People on welfare are lazy.
Atheists are worse than communists.
What’s wrong with flying the Confederate flag?
Anybody can make it in America if they just work hard enough.
Democrats should just give Donald Trump a chance. 

Monday, July 24, 2017

New Press Secretary Questionnaire

     Well, it’s finally official. Sean Spicer is out and Sarah Huckabee Sanders is in. Rumors had abounded for weeks that President Trump had lost confidence in his press secretary and was looking to replace him. So it was not surprising to see the recent chain of events leading to the appointment of Sanders as press secretary and Antony Scaramucci as White House communications director, particularly given that anonymous sources within the administration had already earlier leaked the following job questionnaire:
THE WHITE HOUSE
NEW PRESS SECRETARY QUESTIONNAIRE

NAME:   ___________________
AGE:  ____
SEX:  Male ___   Female  ____
PARTY AFFILIATION:  Republican  _____  Other  _____ (if “Other”, dispose of questionnaire in nearest wastebasket)
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH TWITTER?  Yes  ___  No  ___  (if “No”, this is not the job for you)
DO YOU BELIEVE PRESIDENT TRUMP REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE SAYS?  Yes  ___  No  ___  Maybe  ___  (only “Yes” respondents need continue; “Maybe” just doesn’t cut it even if the President issues contradictory statements or tweets)
CAN YOU BE LOYAL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP?  Absolutely  ___  You betcha  ____  So long as he is honest and loyal to me  ____  (We want to see both the first and second entries checked off; if the third one is chosen, you’re clearly not a  Trump team player)
DO YOU LIKE THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA?  Yes, so long as they’re fair to the President  ____  Yes, if it’s FOX News  ____  No, I hate the fake news including the New York Times, the Washington Post and CNN  ____  (any response is acceptable; extra marks for choosing all three)
DO YOU BEAR ANY RESEMBLANCE TO MELISSA MCCARTHY?  Yes  ____  No  ____
(a “Yes” answer is disqualifying unless maybe you’re Sarah Huckabee Sanders or Melissa McCarthy herself)
DO YOU MIND WORKING IN THE DARK BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY?  Yes  ____  No  ____  (if “Yes”, best to look elsewhere)
IF A REPORTER RAISES THE ISSUE OF POSSIBLE COLLUSION BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN TEAM AND RUSSIA, WHAT IS THE PROPER RESPONSE?
____  Scream at the reporter and threaten to take away his or her White House privileges
____  Repeatedly cry “fake news” and/or “lamestream media”
____  Why aren’t you investigating Hillary Clinton’s ties to (a) Russia, (b) e-mail leaks and (c) child pornography?
____  Put your hands over your ears and repeatedly say “I can’t hear you”, “I can’t hear you.”
____  Simply inform the reporter that the President is cooperating with any and all investigations and looks forward to the results
(any answer except the last one is acceptable; those choosing the last option have obviously been raised in the Washington swamp)
IF ASKED ABOUT THE PRESIDENT’S RELIANCE ON HIS FAMILY MEMBERS FOR POLITICAL ADVICE, WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?
____  It is very common in world politics for a leader to rely on his family members
____  The President greatly values the insights of his family members except maybe for Tiffany
____  Any organization would be lucky to have Ivanka and Jared working for them
____  Donald, Jr. does not work for The White House
(full marks for answers 1-3 and partial marks for answer 4 depending on whether or not the President feels anyone needs to be thrown under the bus that particular day)

HAVE YOU EVER STUDIED UNDER KELLYANNE CONWAY?  Yes  ____  No  ____  (if “No”, consider enrolling in her next course; if “Yes”, welcome aboard)

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Spicey's New Briefings

     In the ongoing war between President Donald Trump’s press secretary and the media, Sean Spicer has gone on the offensive by prohibiting cameras from daily press briefings. This is just the latest salvo in the increasingly testy relationship between him and the White House press corps.
     Spicer has since escalated the war by refusing to release the recordings of audio-only briefings until after they have concluded. But it appears that this is just the latest step in a confrontation that threatens to escalate further.
     Seldom reliable sources have revealed the White House’s latest plans regarding upcoming briefings:
Brief briefings
     Sean Spicer will reportedly shut down press briefings earlier and earlier until there are no questions at all. Spicer blames the “fake news” for abusing the process and extending the gatherings to interminable and outrageous lengths. “It’s right in the name,” claims Spicer. “They’re press briefings not press lengthenings and some reporters are making a mockery of the whole process by asking more than one question.”
“I can’t hear you!” briefings
     Plans are in the works to simply ignore reporters in the Briefing Room. “Since they’re not interested in the truth and only want to spread lies,” says Spicer. “There’s no reason I should pay any attention to them at all.” Spicer reportedly plans to use the old time-tested schoolyard tactic of placing his hands over his ears and repeatedly yelling “I can’t hear you!” “I can’t hear you!”
Smoke signals briefings
     White House staffers claim that the rapid give and take of questioning during press briefings tends to confuse people, particularly Sean Spicer. To slow down the communication process and to clarify the President’s messages, press briefings will soon be conducted by means of smoke signals only.
Shark cage briefings
     White House maintenance workers are hard at work building a cage to enclose Mr. Spicer during his press briefings. The cage will prevent reporters from throwing items at Spicer or from physically assaulting him. “It hasn’t happened yet,” the Press Secretary said. “But the level of animosity of these left-leaning liars is off the charts and we just want to let the American people see what we’re up against here.” Presumably cameras will be allowed for these sessions.
The nuclear option

     The Trump team has made it clear that they have not ruled out the nuclear option. If necessary, that means handing over the press room podium to whoever can best baffle the assembled media representatives, whether it be Energy Secretary Rick Perry, HUD Secretary Ben Carson or Attorney General Jeff Sessions. If all else fails, rumor has it that the Administration will not hesitate to give over the briefings to its Queen of the Pivot: Kellyanne Conway.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Rotten Tomatoes: "The Trump Presidency"

It’s summertime and that can mean only one thing: big blockbuster movies in theaters across the land. Here’s the Rotten Tomatoes entry for the most unanticipated movie of the summer currently playing in a constituency near you:

THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY
Tomatometer     16%          Audience Score     35%

Critic Consensus: The Trump Presidency abandons the predictable narrative usually found in historical dramas and opts instead for a presidential term performed as farce. Promising to “Make America Great Again”, President Donald J. Trump and his Keystone Kops Kabinet break every promise, ignore every rule and threaten to destroy the country. Sadly, it’s unclear from the outset whether the directors wanted to stage this vehicle as drama or comedy.

Movie Info: Donald Trump (TV’s Apprentice), Melania Trump (various modeling runways) and a large supporting cast of enablers and hangers-on star in this political drama that follows the unlikely rise of a small-time real estate huckster to the most prestigious address in the country: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Violating every rule in the political playbook, Trump enlists the aid of dozens of foreign and domestic operatives to defeat his Republican rivals and then trounce Democrat Crooked Hillary to win the presidency in perhaps the biggest political upset of all time.

Rating: R (for crude sexual content, offensive language, some violence and repeated contraventions of societal norms)

Genre: Political Drama, Alt-Right Adventure

Directed By: Roger Stone, Corey Lewandowski and Steve Bannon

Written By: Barry Goldwater, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and forty years of rightwing Republican rule

Released: January 20, 2017

Box Office: $600 billion to date for the top one percent

Gross: Yes

Cast: Donald Trump as The President, Melania Trump as The First Lady, Kellyanne Conway as The Spinmistress, Sean Spicer as The Mouthpiece, Steve Bannon as The Devil, Michael Flynn as The General, Jeb Bush as Low-energy Jeb, Marco Rubio as Little Marco, Ted Cruz as Lyin’ Ted, Hillary Clinton as Crooked Hillary, Bernie Sanders as Crazy Bernie and the Koch Brothers as themselves

Critic Reviews
@ “The plot is so outrageous that I can’t believe any moviegoer would buy it. Plus, the movie can’t decide who the leading lady is: Melania, Ivanka or Kellyanne?”  -  Leonard Maltin
@ “Donald Trump is a phony and a fraud although I might have reconsidered my opinion if he had chosen me as Secretary of State.”  -  Mitt Romney
@ “Lordy, I hope there are tapes!”  -  James Comey
♥ “I like very much movie and not just because I was part of production staff.”  -  Vladimir Putin
@ “No comment” -  Melania Trump
♥ “I love this movie, especially the main character Donald J. Trump. I never called him a twelve-year-old, a thirteen-year-old maybe but never a twelve-year-old.”  -  Chris Christie
@ “I can’t believe this guy gets a free pass and I make one tiny little mistake and get impeached.”  -  Bill Clinton 

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Gee!20!: Ivanka's Diary

July 5
     Daddy says he needs me to go with him to Hamburg for something called the Gee!20! but next week is fashion week in New York and I have a new line of Ivanka Trump eyelashes coming out. We’re calling them the Fake News eyelashes which Daddy thinks is very funny.
     Anyway, I asked why Jared couldn’t go to Hamburg but Daddy said Jared is very busy working on peace in the Middle East, reforming the criminal justice system and overhauling the entire government. I don’t see why Donald, Jr. can’t go instead but he says he has a very important interview coming up with the New York Times.
     So it looks like I’m stuck with Hamburg which at least is tastier than Frankfurt. See? Not only am I a strong feminist, I am funny and can make a joke.
July 6
     I’m so sick of family drama. Melania found out I’ll be traveling with Daddy and she went ballistic. She was so mad she was yelling in Slovenian but I think I know what she was saying.
     Ever since I turned twenty-one, Melania has been very, very jealous of me and with good reason. I’m smarter, prettier and younger than her and everyone knows that Daddy likes me better.  
     Imagine Melania sitting with the other nineteen leaders. How embarrassing. Thank God I’m here to save the day.
July 7
     It looks like I will get to do something important on this trip. Apparently Daddy’s not feeling well so I’m going to babysit Rex Tillerson at one of the Gee!20! meetings. I think it’s about Africa or something but Rex can fill me in.
     I think Daddy’s actually feeling fine. It’s just that he wants to get together with his good pal Vlad and doesn’t want anyone to know.
     Anyway, I’m more than happy to sit in for Daddy. I wasn’t that keen at first until I heard that that dreamy Justin Trudeau might be there. I think I’ll just play a little dumb and let Justin help me with the heavy lifting (wink wink nudge nudge). Maybe he knows something about Africa.
July 8
     Well I did it. I sat in on the Africa migration and health meeting and I nailed it. I didn’t even need Rex’s help since Africa hardly came up. Because Theresa May and Angela Merkel were there, I thought it appropriate to talk about fashion since Daddy says they’re both maybe a “three” at best and could really use some help in the style department. As for Xi Jinping, Recep Erdogan and Uncle Vlad, they’re all good pals with Daddy and did whatever they could to make me feel at home.
July 9
     We’re on our way home and everyone’s saying we were a big hit, especially me. Well everyone on FOX News, at least. Some members of the fake news were making snide comments about my brothers, calling them Uday and Qusay and saying that I was a lovely addition to the dictator’s ruling family. They’re all such mean losers.
July 10
     Because of all the great media coverage, I’ve decided to form an exploratory committee to consider my chances for running for President in 2020 in case Daddy decides to step down or something unexpected happens. After all, I am a strong, independent woman who has clearly made it on her own. However, it looks like that weenie Mike Pence is doing the same thing although once I tell Daddy, I’m pretty sure I’ll have the entire field to myself.