Who Did John Mark Karr Kill?

With the announcement from the Boulder County District Attorney’s office that John Mark Karr will not be charged with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, it was assumed that this latest chapter of the ten-year old tragedy would be closed. But Mr. Karr has apparently refused to go quietly.

"OK," said Mr. Karr. "Maybe I didn’t murder the kid. I tend to get names mixed up. In actual fact, I killed Jon Bon Jovi."

"You can see how I could easily confuse those two names," said the diminutive Karr. "JonBenet, Jon Bon....they’re pretty close, you have to admit."

"Yeah, it was Jon Bon Jovi that I murdered," said Karr. "I’ve always loved him. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it."

When confronted with the fact that Jon Bon Jovi is still alive, Mr. Karr initially stuck to his story. But after repeated questioning, he conceded that he may have been premature with his latest murder confession.

"No, it wasn’t Jon Bon Jovi," said the pint-sized prevaricator. "Yes, it’s true. He’s still alive. And I didn’t love him. Truth be told, I never really cared for his music either. I find it a tad derivative."

On the verge of being released, John Mark Karr quickly confessed again, this time to the murder of Stephen Vincent Benét. According to Mr. Karr, he and the noted American poet had been lovers and he killed Mr.Benét in a lovers’ quarrel.

"He was always going on about his novels and his poems and his two goddam Pulitzer prizes," said Mr. Karr. "I just couldn’t take it any more. So I killed him."

When informed that Mr. Benét died in 1943, some 21 years prior to John Mark Karr’s birth, Mr. Karr initially suggested that he may have murdered him in a prior life. Eventually, however, he recanted.

"It was Ramsey Clark," said Mr. Karr. "Yeah, that’s who I killed. Ramsey Clark, LBJ’s Attorney General. He’s still alive? No, no, I meant Eric Benét, the singer. No wait, he’s alive, too, isn’t he? Wait, wait, I’ve got it. It was King Ramses I or was it Ramses II? Whoever it was, I loved them very much and it was an accident."

The Boulder County District Attorney’s office has reportedly relented and finally charged John Mark Karr with murder.

"We had to," said Boulder’s district attorney Mary Lacy. "It was the only way we could shut him up."

Mr. Karr is expected to be tried in the court of public opinion and serve a maximum sentence of approximately twenty minutes of fame.