As I rapidly approach my 57th birthday, I figure it’s time to share my wisdom with the world. For those of you starting out in life, save yourself some trouble and heed the following hard-earned life lessons:
* Read the instructions BEFORE assembling.
* Don’t start the windshield wipers if they’re iced over.
* Pay someone to plow your driveway.
* Always (and I stress the word "always") turn off the main water supply before attempting plumbing repairs.
* Apart from simple washer replacements, don’t attempt plumbing repairs.
* Oil spots underneath your car should not be ignored.
* Don’t buy items that say "Some Assembly Required" on the box.
* If it takes more than a screwdriver and a hammer, hire someone else to do it.
* Don’t drink and dial.
* Don’t say "I love you" unless you’re sober.
* Learn what poison ivy leaves look like.
* Always keep calamine lotion in your medicine cabinet.
* Don’t assume you had chicken pox as a child.
* Do not accept invitations to attend sales presentations to receive "your free gift."
* Pay the extra $25 to have the gas barbecue assembled.
* Don’t try to repair a 30-year old lawn mower.
* Back up your computer files regularly. ("Regularly" means more often than every time the hard drive crashes.)
* Check the expiry date before drinking milk or juice directly from the carton.
* Cook meat from the refrigerator before it turns green.
* Don’t buy a used car unless you know the previous owner.
* Don’t buy a second used car from the same dealer until the first car is at least a year old.
* Don’t try to "tighten" a loose connection in a light fixture with a small piece of aluminum foil.
* Keep a spare remote control handy.
* Buy an artificial Christmas tree.
* Always say "No."
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